The Great Oregon Money Muddy, or How Governor Kotek’s Leftist Lunacy Might Cost a Federal Fortune

By Mark Twain, resurrected for the occasion, February 25, 2025

Now, folks, gather ‘round and let me spin you a yarn about a place called Oregon, a land of tall trees, damp socks, and a governor who’s got herself a notion to rope the moon with a lasso made of what they’re calling a “leftist agenda.” This here’s a tale of money—federal money, mind you—that’s dangling over the state like a carrot over a mule, and how that carrot might just up and vanish if the governor keeps tugging the wrong reins.

They say Oregon’s a state that runs on a budget of some seventy billion dollars every two years—sounds like a heap of cash to a feller who once scraped by on a dollar a day panning for gold in Nevada. But here’s the kicker: nigh on thirty-nine billion of that comes straight from Uncle Sam’s pocket. That’s more than half, if my arithmetic ain’t rusted over, and it’s the kind of sum that’d make even a Mississippi riverboat gambler blink twice before betting it all on a pair of deuces.

Now, this Governor Tina Kotek, she’s a lady of rare conviction, or so they tell me. She’s got her heart set on things like DEI,  solar farms, and shelters for folks who ain’t got a roof to call their own—noble enough pursuits, if you don’t mind the government playing nursemaid to every soul from Portland to Pendleton. But word’s been drifting down from the high muckety-mucks in Washington that they ain’t too keen on her brand of progress. Seems the new man in the White House, a certain Mr. Trump, has taken to issuing orders faster than a auctioneer selling off a bankrupt plantation, and one of ‘em’s got Oregon’s federal loot in its sights.

Take, for instance, them climate grants—near two hundred million dollars’ worth, frozen solid as a Minnesota lake in January. The Oregon Department of Environmental Quality’s wringing its hands, saying they can’t spend a dime lest the feds decide not to pay ‘em back. That’s a pretty pickle when your whole plan is built on borrowed greenbacks! Then there’s the thirty-eight billion or so that keeps the state’s Medicaid chugging along, feeding homeless, and sorta patching up roads—folks are whispering that might be next on the chopping block if the governor don’t toe the line Uncle Sam’s drawing in the sand.

She's the best!

I ain’t saying Kotek’s wrong to chase her dreams—Lord knows I’ve chased a few fool notions myself, like that time I thought I’d strike it rich with a typesetting machine that broke more often than it printed. But when you’re dancing with a partner who’s footing more than half the bill, it’s a mite risky to step on his toes. Posts I’ve seen floating around on that newfangled X contraption claim fifty-five percent of Oregon’s budget’s at stake ‘cause of her stubbornness. Fifty-five percent! Why, that’s enough to make a man wonder if she’s betting the farm on a hand she ain’t even seen yet.

The newspapers—bless their inky hearts—say Oregon’s tangled up in lawsuits with twenty-two other states, hollering that the feds are overreaching. Kotek and her attorney general, a Mr. Rayfield, reckon Trump’s playing fast and loose with the Constitution, cutting off funds to spite folks who won’t salute his flag. Maybe they’re right; maybe they ain’t. I’ve known plenty of politicians who’d burn a barn to spite the hay, but I’ve also known a few who’d cry foul just to keep their own fires burning.

Well, sir, it ain’t just the state government that’s up to mischief—the folks over at Oregon State University have jumped into the fray, tossin’ fifty million federal dollars at what they’re callin’ “climate-smart potatoes.” Now, I’ve et my weight in taters over the years—boiled, fried, stewed, and every which way—and I’ll be hanged if I ever met one with a lick of brains. So I reckon it’s a mighty curious puzzle how fifty million of Uncle Sam’s greenbacks are gonna teach a spud to outsmart the weather. Sounds to me like a heap of cash chasin’ a heap of nonsense, but then again, I ain’t one of them college fellers with a head full of highfalutin schemes!

The Award Grant for Climate Smart Potatoes

So how much is truly at risk? Well, if the budget’s whole thirty-nine billion went up in smoke, Oregon’d be in a fix tighter than a corset on a riverboat belle. More likely, it’s them climate funds—call it three hundred million with the Solar For All grant tossed in—and maybe a chunk of the health money that’s got folks sweating. That’s still a tidy sum, enough to build a few schools or pave a road from Salem to the sea. Lose it, and Oregonians might find themselves with naught but good intentions to pave their highways.

Now, I ain’t one to judge a governor’s soul—I’ve met too many scalawags in my day to think I’ve got the Almighty’s yardstick. But if Kotek’s leftist lasso keeps pulling against the federal tide, she might just yank Oregon into a financial whirlpool that’d make Charybdis blush. Course, she could be gambling on the courts or the goodwill of her people to see her through. Me, I’d rather bet on a lame horse than a politician’s promises, but then again, I ain’t never had to govern a state.

So there you have it, folks: a tale of money, mischief, and a governor who’s either a visionary or a fool—time’ll tell which. As for me, I’ll keep my eye on Oregon from wherever they’ve got me perched these days, chuckling at the spectacle of it all. After all, as I once said, “Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising”—and this here budget brouhaha might just be the biggest advertisement of Kotek’s career.